Me too# The Time to Heal from Sexual Abuse is Now!

Well it's pretty staggering how many women have suffered from sexual abuse - all the tweets omg!  It's a good thing that women are finally talking about this.  We need to heal each other and ourselves.  That kind of abuse has nothing to do with sex, but it has to do with power.  People can feel they have stripped you of your identity and taken away your power because it's your most vulnerable part.  It makes you feel worthless, but remember it's not about you, it's about their need to assert power over another, it's a high and they don't know any other way to get it.  Goes for men who are abused by other men too.

I was assaulted at age 3, and to be quite honest, I totally forgot about it.  As a child I was happy and the only thing I remember is nightmares of something chasing me but I couldn't see what it was.  I was dreaming that I was sleeping and I couldn't wake up to escape the "thing".  I would often wake up crying and sweating, and sometimes I was afraid to go back to sleep.  But I had no memory of the incident until I hit the beginnings of puberty.

That's when the flashbacks started.  I had glimpses of something but it was not clear or it didn't hang around long enough to make sense.  I was by this age about 13, and I was already heavily into Spirituality and meditation because of my father.  Somehow those things are easier as a kid because you don't block it.  I decided that I wanted to see what happened, so I went into a meditation and invited the memory to come back.  When it did, I meditated and made the movie play out until the end, then it made sense.  I realized I wasn't crazy, because I honestly did not remember it at all through my growing up years.

We did not have counselors back in those days, certainly not in the '70's in Jamaica.  It was not even talked about.  I knew I had to find a way to deal with this, as I liked boys, but if any of them even touched me I would break out in a cold sweat and want to vomit and run.  It was awful and I knew it was not a healthy way to be.  One day I wanted children, so it had to get fixed.

At the time I was about 14 or 15 and I had a boyfriend who was a few years older than me.  I discovered that he too had been abused at boarding school in England.  He helped me a great deal with all of this, and I have him to thank for getting me past the anxiety.  He did something few men would have the patience to do, we sat in a room and gradually one piece at a time removed clothing until we were both naked.  This process took months!  I was scared to death.

At last I was comfortable without the clothes, but when he started to move closer to me, the anxiety returned.  So we just stayed where I was comfortable, moving closer together until at last we could hold hands. It took nearly a year for me to allow him to hold me skin on skin and I was still nauseous, but slowly the fear and sick feeling were disappearing.  We eventually made love and that was traumatic for me, I felt dirty but that too subsided as we were together for almost 3 years.  We are still friends today.  It was the best therapy I could ever have had because this person really loved me and was not trying to abuse me, just trying to let me know that all sexual encounters are not bad.  If it wasn't for him, I would never have had children.  

It was a lot to get over, and I had several more incidents of inappropriate touching by both men and women until I was about 12, by then I was getting feisty and not putting up with it.  When those boundaries are broken at  such a young age, you think it's normal for adults to want to touch you that way.  It takes a while for you to realize that it's the wrong kind of attention.

As an adult, I had weak boundaries for a long time, and I turned into a people pleaser.  That was another lesson, how to say no!  This has a lasting impact on your self esteem, your ability to set good boundaries with others and yourself, and your sense of self worth.  Thanks to the horses for teaching me some very useful lessons in those areas, they helped me heal in so many ways, and thanks to my first boyfriend who had the patience to put up with my extreme knee jerk reactions.  He never pushed me and never once criticized me for my neurotic behavior.  It gave me insight into dealing with abused horses, as I understood their unexplained behavior and those lessons have served me to this day.  I wish you all happiness, and peace, and I want you to know that with the right help, you can heal from this and live a joyful and fulfilled life. Namaste

 


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