The Confusion in your mind

In my last blog I talked about the old energy coming to the surface to be cleansed, well I had no idea I had so much old energy to get rid of!  The months of May and June have been cathartic for me on a very personal level, and if anyone else has been going through a time when they thought they were going crazy, then you are not alone.  I will share some of my personal journey with you as maybe it will help some of you untangle the web of emotions that kept me trapped for so long in my own mind without even knowing it.

I have been in a long term relationship with a wonderful man for almost 5 years.  We have both been married before, him twice and me once for 33 years.  I was married to a man that I loved deeply, but who was unable to communicate his emotions to me.  I was unable to talk about my feelings to him, and I ended up stuffing my feelings down, putting a smile on my face, and carrying on like nothing was wrong. Sound familiar?  I ended up building my own fortress, and I didn't even realize it.  I could talk to anybody else, girlfriends, family members, clients, but I was dumb when it came to opening up to the man I was with.  Many years of forced silence, became an inability to communicate within my new relationship, but somehow I just couldn't find the words.  I literally felt choked.

I ended up leaving the relationship, and of course my partner was devastated.  I didn't expect that reaction, as when I left my husband he said nothing.  I walked away without anyone asking me to stay, and that hurt like crazy.  Not only did I lose a 33 year long marriage, but I lost my home, had to sell my horses, lost the property and the business as well, as we were partners in more than just life.  I was terrified to lose it all again, and that fear made me run away when I should have stood and fought for us.  I got to the point where I was just numb and I really did not know what I was feeling, because it was a blank wall.  Very scary indeed.  I left our house and packed every single thing I owned, as in my mind, I was not coming back.  I felt disillusioned, as thought I had been let down again. I felt that I had something great, but now was discovering that it wasn't so great after.  It was bitter disappointment on my side.

 The path is not always clear.  Who knows what is around the next  bend?  We must be courageous to leave the past behind and create a new and brighter future.

The path is not always clear.  Who knows what is around the next  bend?  We must be courageous to leave the past behind and create a new and brighter future.

The devastation it created in my partner was bewildering and terribly sad to watch, but I had no words.  I didn't even understand what was happening to me, so I couldn't cope with his emotions as well.  I went and lived in a basement suite with my mum for a while so I could breathe, and at first I was glad to get away.  I needed to clear my head.  Little by little I realized that I did love him very much, and I began to miss him terribly.  All he asked for was a chance to fix things, and that had not happened when I left my first husband.  This was new to me, a man who actually wanted to know how I felt.  So I decided to go and talk to him, I bought him a card and left it on the doorstep.  Then I went to teach riding lessons as usual that afternoon. Well when I went to my car to go home, I found a box in my car with everything out of the house that was left, including the card unopened.  I have never felt fear like that before. The thoughts of losing him was so terrifying to me, it opened the doors for me to speak at last.  It pushed me out of my self inflicted fortress.  I raced to the house, speeding all the way, only to discover that the house was locked and the truck was nowhere to be found.  I was terrified, as I did not have a key to get in.  I then decided to literally break in to the house, I climbed over the back gate and in through the laundry room as the dogs were outside and the door was open.  I decided that I was going to stay there until he came home.  

After about a half hour, I heard a noise upstairs.  I realized that he was in the house and had obviously parked his truck out of site - funny because I did the same thing so he wouldn't see my car and not want to talk to me.  I came around the corner and the look on his face when he saw me was priceless!  I started to cry, wrapped my arms around him and kissed him and said "I'm so sorry, I love you and I can't live without you, please forgive me for hurting you so much".  After that the floodgates opened. Everything I had not been able to say came tumbling out unbridled.  Years of pain let go and I literally felt the energy in my body change. Within 2 weeks I lost 12 lbs. in weight without trying.  That's how much stuck energy can affect you!  We talked for hours, and all the misunderstandings were cleared up.  Our relationship is totally different now, we made a promise to each other to look after our health, and to talk about absolutely everything, no matter how small.  I'm no longer afraid to talk to the man I love, and if more people would recognize the walls they have inside and stop blaming the other person, I think more relationships would be healed.  It is so freeing to finally be me, no more hiding behind walls, that I didn't know I had. So now look out world, the full Ann no holds barred is out of hiding, God help us! You can look forward to more blogs about how to deal with emotions, since this earth is reforming itself and we are unable to avoid making the changes necessary to leave our past behind and create a new future.